By Cardozie Jones, Founder & CEO, True North: Center for Organizational Health
When something goes wrong between people, one of the first things we often do is figure out who should go first.
Who should apologize? Who caused the problem? Who has more power? Who needs to make it right?
And once we decide the answer is “them,” we wait.
I see this all the time in coaching and in my work with leadership teams. Someone will say, “I shouldn’t have to be the one to apologize.”
And sometimes I want to say, “Okay. Great. So…how’s the weather?”
Because if we stop there, there is nowhere else for the conversation to go.
Maybe they should apologize. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe they do have more power.
But now what?
If the only path forward requires someone else to do something differently, we have surrendered nearly all of our agency.
That’s why I think one of the most useful life hacks in conflict is learning how to take accountability.
Not blame.
Accountability.
Accountability is about agency
Taking accountability does not mean accepting responsibility for everything that happened. It does not mean excusing someone else’s behavior, ignoring power, abandoning boundaries, or apologizing for something you didn’t do.
It means asking:
Where, anywhere in this situation, did I have a choice?
Maybe I could have communicated sooner. Maybe I made an assumption instead of asking a question. Maybe I avoided a conversation. Maybe I talked to everyone except the person I was frustrated with. Maybe I let resentment build.
Finding your point of accountability does not erase anyone else’s.
It simply gives you somewhere to move.
Years ago, I was frustrated with someone I love because I wanted them to come see the theater work I was directing, and they weren’t showing up.
I was hurt. I was angry. And I had plenty of evidence available to me to build a much bigger story about what their absence meant.
Eventually, though, I had to ask myself a different question:
What do I actually want?
And the answer was simple.
I wanted them there.
So I told them that I was sorry I had never made clear how important their presence was to me. By not saying what I needed, I hadn’t really given them an opportunity to meet me in that need.
After that, they showed up. Again and again.
Taking accountability didn’t require me to decide that my hurt wasn’t legitimate. I simply stopped asking, Who was wrong? and started asking, What am I trying to make possible?